Saturday, December 22, 2018

This Time Of Year

   
     This time of year, the days leading up to Christmas, reveal our values.  Happiness is at the top of the list.  A child's happiness revolves around getting new playthings, and therefore a parent's happiness revolves around presenting these gifts.  We exchange gifts with family and friends. Maturity provides the value of better to give than receive.
     Recreating traditions is valued by many.  Thinking about events in our childhood plus the activities of earlier generations keeps memories alive and adds to family history.   When we are long gone, we want our children and grandchildren to fondly remember us.  Traditions can serve these purposes.
     Another value is spending family time together.  Our school vacations are scheduled to allow for travel and visits.  Many families live miles away from each other, so Christmas becomes a time for reunion.  Wintertime, however, is not the best time to travel because of possible weather  conditions.
     This time of year, we want to lift up our spirits and the spirits of others.  Many people literally light up their lives from decorations in the front yard to their Christmas trees inside.  Our cities even light up the streets with holiday motifs.  Malls and shops use decor and music to motivate their customers.  Many people get into the Christmas spirit by reinforcing their religious beliefs, attending annual parties, and participating in and viewing holiday performances.
     The last thing anyone wants to do is detract from the way people celebrate this time of year, but as we enjoy the season, perhaps we need to broaden our perspective.  For whatever reasons, many people are not happy during this time even when they try to go through the motions. Thousands of people around the world are trying to survive the hardships of war or the horrible political situations of their countries.  Their only happiness may be to obtain shelter, food, and medical care.  In our own country, many  people are homeless, have no meaningful family ties or adequate finances.  Some parents have more children than they can afford.  Many people are suffering from physical, mental, and emotional problems.  Some people do not share the religion that prevails in the US, and December 25 is just another day.
   As we live in our little corner of the world, within our own family and culture, as we expend so much  time, energy, and money on our holidays,  we may need to think about what we are doing and why we are doing it.  After all, no matter how well we multitask, our resources have limits.   Decisions need to made according to what is essential and what is not.
     Enjoy the happiness and family time of the holidays.  Create happiness for yourselves and others everyday of the year.

Sunday, December 16, 2018

Repurpose


     Repurpose, transform, and reuse your possessions and your lives because the value is still there.  Since my grandchildren were young, my spare bedroom has been a toy room with a bed for overnight stays plus playthings for the kids: Legos, puzzles, baby dolls and Barbies with clothes made by grandma.  All the grandchildren are now teenagers, so time to repurpose the space back to a guest bedroom.  The task at hand was to go through the toys, keep a few items, take the good stuff to Goodwill, and get rid of the rest.
     We all need to repurpose that which is still valuable but needs updating.  Some of our possessions still serve the original purpose, some may be kept for sentimental reasons, others need to be transformed.  Often we need to repurpose ourselves from career to retirement, from parent to grandparent, from grandparent to friend.  I used to read and sing to my young grandchildren.  Now they teach me the finer points of technology, appreciating football on TV, and dancing The Floss.  We relate now more as friends with good conversations and fun.
     The guest room seems a little empty now, but I hope that the playthings from this former toy room will brighten the lives of other children this Christmas.

Saturday, December 1, 2018

Wisdom Through the Generations: Always a Teacher, Always a Student


   
     We all become students as we learn and teachers as we share with others. Wisdom is passed on through the generations.
     As a daughter, I learned from my parents the benefits of staying organized, getting an education, and respecting and helping others.  My mother balanced her job at a bank and her household chores.  My father balanced his job and having a big garden of vegetables. They still had time for friends, bowling, and square dancing.  Everything was organized including assigning chores to me.  My parents also managed their finances well and paid my way through four years of college. They were also ready to help their friends and were especially faithful to a friend with Parkinson’s disease and his wife.
     As a college student, I learned to be a teacher of English for Speakers of Other Languages.  At various times during my 20-year career, I taught elementary and high school students to speak, read, and write in English.  As I taught them about the USA, I learned about their countries of origin.  On occasion, I see former students of mine who have grown into adulthood and have children of their own.  I hope I have added to the quality of their lives.
     When I became a mother of three daughters, I tried to teach them similar values I learned from my parents.  My husband and I encouraged them to get an education, and all three graduated from college.  One of my daughters became a teacher.  As I mothered my children, I had to learn from them what they needed in each stage of development.  We learned from each other.  I now have grandchildren and get such pleasure seeing them grow and develop.  Two of them are already in college.
     Throughout my life, I have enjoyed being a student and a teacher.  In the past few years, I've learned how to write a blog.  Now, one of my daughters is a student, taking a course which includes blogging.  She is becoming a teacher by sharing the info with me.  Always a teacher.  Always a student.

Friday, November 16, 2018

A Separation: A Novel

   
     In "A Separation" by Katie Kitamura, the obvious separation is that of a married couple, a husband and wife soon to be divorced.  But other types of separation are revealed, some that we all experience.
     The nameless narrator is searching for her missing husband and uses her keen power of observation and imagination, speculating about other people, some close to her and some strangers.  Of course, she assumes her speculations are correct.  Her husband had asked her to temporarily keep their separation a secret and she did.  She began to realize "there was a small but definite wedge pushing between the person I was and the person I was purporting to be."  Later, she admitted to herself, "I acted on poorly defined sensations - what are called instincts and impulses."  As she looked back on her actions, she thought, "I would be constantly aware of the gap between things as they were and things as they should have been."
     Often, we get overconfident in our assumptions which limits our search for truth.  We may have two separate personas, one private and one public.  We can allow emotions to overrule logic which separates us from the truth.   We may wish to change the past, but all we can do is learn from our regrets and change the future.
     Katie Kitamura's nameless woman was a translator of the written word.  The author and the narrator seem to believe "life rarely finds its exact likeness in a novel, that is hardly fiction's purpose."  This well-written and enjoyable novel tells a story that could have happened and shows how faulty assumptions can separate us from the truth. 
 

Wednesday, November 14, 2018

Inspiration

 
      Inspiration flows through the senses: the beauty of nature and art, music and meaningful conversation, home-grown produce and a new recipe, fresh air and a pleasant breeze.   Admiring other lifestyles can also inspire.  Inspiration enters the brain and causes us to think, act, and create something new.  Inspiration can flow out of us towards others.  We can inspire others to focus or broaden their thinking, to set a goal and plan, and to live a better life.
     Sometimes inspiration comes to us like a surprise gift.  Other times we need to seek it out.  We may want to make an improvement or change in our lives, but procrastination stops the momentum.  A spark is needed to light our way.
     These are ways I have been inspired.  Through active pursuits: talked with a family member, spent time outdoors, read a book, wrote a blog, Googled, took a class.  Through quiet time: stopped extraneous noise and distractions, relaxed and calmed my mind.
     Open your mind to inspiration.  Share your life and inspire others.
   
   

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

"Brief Answers To The Big Questions"

   
     Stephen Hawking gives "Brief Answers To The Big Questions" based on the laws of physics.  He answers in Chapter 2: How did it all begin? then in Chapter 10: How do we shape the future?  The additional chapters answer many other big questions.
     With wit and brilliance, he advises us to "understand more about ourselves and our place in the universe."  He continues, "Through scientific endeavor and technological innovation, we must look outwards to the wider universe, while also striving to fix the problems on Earth."

Friday, November 9, 2018

Traditional Or Not

   
     Traditional, nostalgic, and disciplined or modern, futuristic, and spontaneous, all are words that can describe your values and influence your choices.  Some people find comfort in repeating religious rituals and holiday celebrations.  Others feel uncomfortable with the pressure to conform, to be expected to do what others do, to give up their freedom to be different.
     In nature, one day seems much like the next with the exceptions of oncoming spring and fall, seeds sprouting then harvest.  Humans began the first "special" days celebrating the promise and return of spring and the bounty of harvest.  Then things started to get complicated.
     Often, we easily accept the calendar of events in our culture, special days calling for certain activities.  Our traditions, started centuries ago or more recently, may guide our lives.  Emotional nostalgia seems to affect our acceptance.  We may like the predictability of what comes next.  Even guilt can play a part when we don't do what is expected.
     While enjoying some traditions, some of us may prefer our freedom to question the wisdom of following them.  After all, someone else has created this calendar to suit their purposes.  We may begin to feel uncomfortable with pressures to conform to what others want us to do and perhaps go along with some traditions to produce harmony.  The last thing we want to do is judge or criticize what others wish to do.
     Tradition has its upside and downside.  The upside must be obvious since we hold true to many traditional activities.  One downside is we may only value our own traditions.  Another downside is the pressure to spend time and money on the celebrations.  Lastly, traditions may limit other possibilities.
     Use your freedom and encourage others to use theirs.  Realize your past decisions have influenced those around you.  Be careful that you don't pressure others to go along with your decisions.  Question and challenge traditions.
   
     
       



Thursday, November 1, 2018

Departure

   
     Our departure from this earth may be sudden or prolonged.  Some leave almost before their lives begin, others live decades, and those fortunate few may survive to witness many generations.  We may make good decisions about health and lifestyle, but much is beyond our control.
     Some say our life on earth is just one phase toward life after death.  Others say this life is all we have, so make the most of it.  Whatever the outcome after our last breath, we all must depart.
     Some people have warnings of things to come.  We can get clues from inherited traits that may or may not partially seal our fate.  As we age, we may witness a gradual decline.  Fatal conditions may take us away.  Other people may depart quite suddenly with no warnings.  Much is beyond our control.
     Fasten your seat belts and be ready for departure.
   

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Manipulate

   


      A sculptor can manipulate clay: pull, stretch, push, squeeze, shape and create the desired results.  Pull on emotions.  Stretch the truth.  Push toward fear.  Squeeze until stressed. Shape opinion and create the desired results.









Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Why We Believe

   
     Why we believe what we believe often doesn't cross our minds.  After forming beliefs about philosophy, religion, and politics, we may refuse to change our minds.  Perhaps we have a strong loyalty to our parent's beliefs and a stubborn overconfidence in our own thinking.   Perhaps we associate primarily with like-minded people and believe those who disagree with us are just wrong.  Perhaps we only honor what confirms our beliefs.  Perhaps we don't want to leave the comfort provided by our beliefs and fear the consequences of changing our mind.  Correct and incorrect beliefs may be the consequence of many factors.
     Be aware of why you believe.  Imagine being raised with completely different parents and surrounded by a majority who don't agree with you.  Giving up the comfort and rewards of a present belief may be replaced with accepting the idea that you could be wrong and that it is possible to live with the unknown.
     Doubt about present beliefs usually comes before changing our mind.  When we doubt the correctness of our own opinions, we may build empathy for those with different beliefs.  Doubt is not a sign of weakness but can be a step toward better understanding.  Questioning may add to and clarify beliefs or lead toward changing your mind.
      Let your mind travel to many destinations so you can find or create a path to follow.   Allow yourself to change directions or go back to your original path.   
   
   

   
       
   
     

Monday, October 22, 2018

Your Story

   
      Your story is unique yet has similar components as the story of others. What you experienced, what you thought about, and how you felt may influence others to follow your steps or go in another direction.  Sharing your story now can begin communication, allow others to ask questions, and deepen understanding.
      Don't you wish you knew more about family members who have passed on, whose voices are now silenced, especially if only a few written records exist about their lives?  Look at the popularity of finding out more about ancestors, discovering bits and pieces of family history.  Many legal documents reveal statistics, but what a gift it must be to find something actually written down by an individual in her or his own words.
     Most of us have relatives who have been in the military, combat or not.  You may have experienced war; you may have experienced waiting for a loved one to return or suffering when their life was  taken.  Peacetime also provides important stories to tell: challenges met, struggles and accomplishments, sorrow and happiness, opinions and beliefs.  Ordinary life can be very significant and informative.  This often is omitted from history books.  We all have a story to tell.
     Too busy, not the right time, too private, too emotional to relive, No one would be interested,  I put my stories on social media: Excuses!  Conversation is one method of telling your story, but the written word is more permanent.  It does take thought, time, and effort, but what a beautiful gift for your family.  History of individuals combine to make the history of the world.

Thursday, October 18, 2018

Crime and Punishment



     In St. Petersburg, Russia, Rodion Raskolnikov plans and commits a crime.  His objective was to rob and murder a pawnbroker in order to leave his life of poverty and get a fresh start, but when he realizes his "mistake," his conscience begins a self-punishment of anxiety, guilt, remorse, and a fear of discovery.  He must live a lie which causes problems with health and relationships.
     Sonia is a loyal friend to Raskolnikov.  He confesses to her first, and she helps him deal with his situation. Porfiry Petrovich is in charge of investigating the crimes.  He uses patience and clever techniques that cause Raskolnikov to finally go to the police to confess. 
     Fyodor Dostoyevsky creates many characters who inhabit 1860's Russia who live the mores of the time but are also much like us.  Losing compassion can lead to actions that create harm and suffering to others and to yourself.
     Reading a classic novel can open your imagination to other times in history and add to your understanding of the human condition.   

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Comparisons

   
   
   

     The more years you have lived, the more varied your experiences, the better comparisons you can make.  Your mind is a living history of the many ways it was.  Of course, we can read history and learn from the history of others, but appreciate what is in your memories.  On the other hand, when someone older than you, perhaps generations older, relates their past, realize you are being given a gift.  The perspective they are sharing is invaluable.  As a relative shares their history, your own story is being expanded.
     The present seems the most pertinent especially to the young.  They naturally believe "their time" is the most valuable.  Often the older generation may believe nothing was like the good old days.  Nostalgia can paint a rosier picture than the actuality.  Of course, many of their family members were still alive and life seemed simpler back then.  The older generation may also feel present times are worse than ever especially regarding political matters.  A broad perspective can produce positive and negative reactions.
     Value your own history and graciously listen to other generations.  What you know and what you learn will provide more valuable comparisons.

Monday, September 24, 2018

Crazy Rich Asians

   
     Nature gives us our parents, our ancestors, our gender, skin tone, hair color and texture, and facial features.  At birth, we become part of a group: friends, society, and country of origin.  Our family's economic situation and status add more to our identity.  Then nurture gives us language, traditions, and values.
     In "Crazy Rich Asians," author Kevin Kwan's characters happen to be Asian but have different levels of wealth and different parenting.  Nicholas Young was born into a very rich family with great status going back many generations.  Rachel Chu was born into a family of more modest means and knows only a part of her ancestry.  Both are educated, leading successful lives in America, and are "almost engaged" to each other.
     At the start of the novel is the family tree of Nicholas which shows the multiple generations.  As the story progresses, these characters come to life, revealing much in common but with many differences.  When Nicholas takes Rachel to visit his extended family in Singapore, she experiences serious culture shock because he gave her no advanced preparation of what to expect.  As she meets the family, she witnesses their crazy rich lifestyle, traditions, and behaviors.
     We "modern" Americans, as do other cultures around the world, believe that our own lives make the most sense and find it difficult to understand "others."  As we broaden our experience, we can better understand a different way of life but usually still prefer our own.

Monday, September 17, 2018

Giving Opinions

   
     Many comments are spontaneous and fly out of our mouth without our contemplating and imagining the consequences.  This is normal.  Some comments, however, would be more effective if we took at least a few moments to put them through a filter.  Do our words have good intentions or are they just a way to blast out our own thoughts?  As we share our opinions, do we only want to hear agreement, or do we honor the listener and welcome their reply, perhaps in opposition?
     Many people overvalue their own opinions, dismiss differing opinions, and therefore become narrow-minded.  They make up their mind and don't allow the possibility of altering or improving their stance.  When we open our mind and broaden our thinking, we can have a better understanding of the range of views.
    In a one-on-one conversation with a family member or friend, we first need to consider the purpose of our words.  Are we presenting our idea as just one of many possibilities or do we assume we are right?  Parents of adult children should keep in mind that we are speaking with an adult who has the right and freedom to design their own life.  Of course, if they are damaging themselves physically or mentally, we do need to be persistent and plan an effective course.  Whatever the topic, we should include the reasons we think the way we do.
   In presenting our opinions to the public, we need to consider the same process whether in speaking or writing.  We may use our own words or share opinions from other sources.  As you give your opinions, please be respectful.

Saturday, September 8, 2018

Amorality


     Many believe that religion defines morality.  A power above humans has determined the should and should not.  Others believe that the human race formed their own standards which change and evolve.  Some believe in a universal morality that goes beyond any particular religion or culture which values empathy and conscience.  Animals behave from instinct and have their own standards of caring for the young, cooperation, and sharing the spoils of the hunt.  Survival is the goal.
     Right or wrong, good or bad, acceptable or not, we decide standards for ourselves and others.  Amorality occurs when decisions or actions are brought about by a selfish pursuit of personal goals, a promotion of self above anything or anyone else.  Even universal standards don't influence amoral behavior.
      Survival is the first instinct in nature which includes human beings.  We like to think we are at least one step above the animals, but do we care for others, cooperate, and share?  Perhaps some people are more like male animals, bullying, fighting for dominance, and wanting to control the group.  Of course, leadership is necessary in any society, but to be truly effective, a leader must have empathy and a conscience. 

Thursday, September 6, 2018

A New Normal

     Many months have passed since I wrote my last blog.  Life has presented many "challenges" which have temporarily taken away my desire to write.  A new phase of life, a new normal is beginning to take place.  "Grownup Thoughts" is a way for me to get back that part of myself that wants to connect with a broader world.
     In addition to talking, writing is a way to express yourself.  You may have been thinking about and talking about about a subject for a long time before writing.  With writing, you have the time to contemplate, edit, and compose a product before sending your message.
     Each day adds to your storehouse of memories, emotions, and opinions.  Each day can  influence, change, and improve (or not) what goes on in your head.  When the body is consumed with dealing with the present,  your world can become narrowed temporarily.  Accepting disappointments and losses is part of designing a new normal.  Sometimes, we have to think back and realize we may have been wounded and have to heal and restore what makes us feel more complete.
     Just as speaking and listening form a partnership, writing and reading require at least two people.  I welcome feedback and comments.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

"Being Mortal" by Atul Gawande

   
     Health care providers or those with aging and ill loved ones or anyone reaching this stage of life need to realize that each individual has the right to understand the options, weigh the risks, and choose how and where to spend the rest of their lives.  The chapters of " Being Mortal" guide us through the process:  The Independent Self, Things Fall Apart, Dependence, Assistance, A Better Life, Letting Go, Hard Conversations, Courage.
     As a surgeon and a son of an aging and dying father, Atul Gawande describes the experiences of many individuals going through the last years of life and shows us how modern medicine can best serve those experiencing the last stages of mortality.