Family Conversations

     Conversations between grandparents and teens can be fun and beneficial when certain guidelines are kept in mind.  As we discuss the past, present, and future, each generation should be part of the talking and the listening.
     Grandparents can pass on their family history and describe what life was like as they grew up.  A teenager's past is more limited but they still have many stories to share.  Comparisons can show the advantages and disadvantages of each time.  Remember two valid viewpoints need to be honored.
     Sometimes, the easier conversation is about the present to get an understanding of the activities of everyday life and the opinions of each generation.  Be sure there is a balance of listening and talking.  Don't have an agenda to persuade agreement on your own opinions and turn a nice talk into a lecture.
     Discussing the future may be more difficult because teenagers are naturally more interested in today plus just a few days ahead.  The older generation often wants to give advice about planning for the future.  Be sure not to add undue worry to a teenager who may already be stressed out about surviving their next exam, developing their social life, and facing adult responsibilities while trying to fit in a little fun.  Let teenagers know that you have faith in their own decision making.
     The biggest mistake grandparents can make is assuming that they know better because of their longer time on earth.  They want to influence their grandchildren toward making good decisions but shouldn't state opinions as facts or pass on prejudices.   Respect differences of opinion.  Being a good role model, living our own lives well, is the best lesson.  In addition, have some fun during those family conversations.

Develop Independence

     Even though dependence is necessary at times, independence enables adults to develop and attain their greatest potential.  We need to have confidence in our abilities to live independent lives.
     Some philosophies and religions, however, encourage dependence.  We are taught that we need a higher power to provide, protect, and guide us.  Without this power, we would be selfish, make bad decisions, and disregard our responsibilities to others.  Some believe that original sin is part of the human condition and we need to be saved and forgiven.  Some think that a plan has been formed for us to follow, a sort of predestination we should fulfill.  They believe that God is in control and people need to rely on Him.  Dependence is part of  the relationship.
     Most denominations encourage church membership, attendance at worship services, scripture study, financial support, and bringing others into the fold.  They think we should depend on the organization for instruction, reinforcement, and guidance.  Left to our own devices, we may misinterpret the will of God or stray away from the faith.
     In other aspects of our lives, we are encouraged to be independent, develop intellectually, think logically, evaluate guidance from various sources, discover and use our skills, provide for ourselves, and be responsible for our behavior.  We also need to forgive ourselves and others for mistakes of commission and omission.
     In many facets of life, dependence is necessary, unavoidable, and beneficial.  No man is an island.  Very few of us are completely self-sufficient.  We all do our part and depend on each other in order to have a satisfying life; however, too much dependence may limit our potential.  Whether we are religious or not, we should value our freedom and develop independence.   
          

Thinking for Others

     When you have a young child who hasn't yet developed adult mental abilities, when you have students who need to progress, when you have a friend whose reasoning is temporarily distorted, when you have a loved one whose mental capabilities have begun to diminish, you may have to think for others.  Even though we should honor and encourage every person's ability to think for themselves, at some point in their lives they may need our assistance.
     Caution needs to be taken when we believe that our thinking is better than that of other healthy, mature adults.  If we focus too much on our own capabilities, we may become overconfident and lose the ability to understand and appreciate other points of view.  We may begin to judge other thinking as inferior or faulty.
      Helping someone improve or retain their own independent thought is a gift.  Don't take over too soon or too often.  We all will benefit by giving and receiving help when needed.  Appreciation goes out to parents, teachers, friends, and caregivers who out of necessity must think for others.

Sharing

     Sharing is  a basic component of human interaction and is responsible for strengthening social ties and ensuring a person's well-being.  This definition is from Wikipedia, and I agree.
     When we share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences, other people can benefit.  Sharing our personal health issues may inform our children about possible inherited problems.  Explaining our personal issues and how we handle them help others with situations they may be facing or may face in the future.  Telling about your everyday life, especially to adult children who live far away, help them to understand your life, your generation, and your phase of life.  All of this promotes communication and interaction.
     As you share your life, consider it a gift to others and to yourself.  Relieve some of the stress of trying to carry the load alone.  Allow yourself to receive understanding, empathy, and advice.  Realize that keeping secrets may not be the best practice unless someone wishes you to keep a confidence.  Giving yourself to others enables you to share your insights, talents, and other positive information.  All of this can strengthen relationships and your well-being.
     We also need to decide when not to share, when we should keep some info to ourselves.  Even when we get the benefit from sharing, we need to consider the effect it will have on other people.   Causing unnecessary worry or making others feel they may be partially responsible for solving your problems - not a good idea.  Decide how much of your drama is TMI (too much information.)

Rewards

     Training a dog usually involves providing a reward when the dog conforms to the master's wishes.  Likewise, training children often includes a reward for conforming to their parent's or teacher's wishes.  These rewards can include expressions of affection, words of thanks, or compliments on good behavior and a good job.  Rewards can also include treats or special privileges.  On the other hand, withholding a reward may also provide incentive not to do the wrong thing.
    As children mature, they can be weaned away from external rewards and guided toward internal rewards of self-respect, self-satisfaction, and pride in doing the right thing.  Many of the things we do may not be recognized or fully appreciated by others.  Our reward must come from within.  Although adults will be influenced by family and society, we can accept, alter, or reject what others define as proper behavior.  We should realize that making good decisions in living a good life is it's own reward.
     Religion often offers rewards as incentive to conforming to it's definition of proper behavior.  The promise of eternal life must be the greatest of rewards for having faith.  Church services are designed to reinforce this faith.  Members of the congregation reinforce each other that their religion holds the truth and provides the correct guide to behavior.  Although focusing on heaven may provide incentive, good behavior throughout our life should be it's own reward.

Trapped?

     The movie "Birdman" uses a cinematography technique which gives the effect of being shot in one continuous take so that the audience lives through the main character and his mind.  This movie illustrates as the director stated, "We are trapped in our own reality."
     We use all our own senses to inform our brain about ourselves, other people, and our environment.  Our experiences and psychological make-up create memories, analyze the present, and form our opinions.  This guides our thinking, actions, and reactions.  We want to have our needs met, yet don't want to appear too self-centered.  We have a need to be loved and learn the advantages of loving others.  We want to be understood and try to understand others.  Our own self interests, however, are naturally uppermost in our mind.  We cannot escape; we all are trapped in our own reality.
     We can consciously try to aim our focus away from ourselves and toward other people.  By broadening our perspective, we may come to realize that each individual is just one person among billions who are living, dead, or yet to be born.  We are trapped in our own body, our own generation, and our own circumstances.  In soap opera lingo, as the world turns, we have one life to live and need to search for tomorrow.  We can leave our own reality temporarily through books, movies, TV shows and observing the people around us.  We need to realize, however, we can only live our own life and should make our trap as meaningful as possible.