Celibacy

     Common messages: Save yourself for marriage. Sexual relations outside of marriage are too risky because of disease, pregnancy, and emotional upheavals. Another message: Be a celibate priest. This will remove the distraction of wife and children and you can devote yourself to God and your flock.
     In the animal world, the female goes into heat and the male responds.  A few species keep the same mate for life doing what comes naturally.  Human beings evolved and life became more complex. As tribes formed, we learned to cooperate and set standards of acceptable behavior.
     In more recent history, a man wanted to marry a virgin, a guarantee that a woman hadn’t had sexual relations or been pregnant. He would become an owner of a brand new vehicle with zero mileage. His premarital behavior wasn’t scrutinized.  In fact, he was allowed to sow his wild oats before settling down and marrying.
     In some patriarchal religions, celibacy is required of priests. The lack of sexual expression may cause a state of frustration.  Some experts say that mandatory celibacy remains "the major risk factor for child sexual abuse."
     Celibacy can be a temporary or permanent choice which can have advantages. Guilt is seldom attached. Forced celibacy from societal or religious pressures can create guilt when not upheld.  Sexual relations or lack thereof is serious business. 
   

“As I Lay Dying”

     In a southern farmhouse, Addie Bundren lay dying.  She and her family plus many other characters, multiple narrators, describe the events throughout the story. Each person can only see through their own eyes with limited understanding due to their past experiences, opinions, and emotions.  While presenting various points of view, some people try to understand others, but everyone influences present and future events surrounding Addie’s death and the following journey.
     Faulkner illustrates how the survival instinct is part of human nature. Some people also have the instinct to protect and develop their children.  A few may extend their empathy to their social contacts and even to strangers.  For self protection, people keep secrets and only reveal what serves their own purposes.
     Addie’s doctor realizes, “I can remember when I was young, I believed death to be a phenomenon of the body; now I know it to be merely a function of the mind - and that of the minds of the ones who suffer the bereavement.”  After Addie dies, her final wish is fulfilled as her family makes the journey to return her body back to her hometown.

"Heart:A History"

     Author and cardiologist Sandeep Jauhar relates his personal history and the history of the advances in cardiology, and shows how the heart functions, may become problematic, then treated.  He writes, "Understanding how and why my grandfather had died, and what implications his premature death had for my father, my siblings, and me, was fundamentally intertwined with my decision to train in cardiology."
     Historically, the heart has become a metaphor for courage, emotion, sympathy, and love, but can be viewed as a machine, a pump with a set of pipes, a circulation system that generates it's own electricity.  Sometimes problems arise caused by genetics, injury, and disease.  Other problems occur from unhealthy habits and may be prevented with proper diet, exercise, and stress management while avoiding detrimental behaviors.
     In addition to eating right and exercising, Jauhar recommends, "take good care of your interpersonal relationships and the way you deal with life's inevitable upsets and traumas.  Your mind-set, your coping strategies, how you navigate challenging circumstances, your capacity to love, these things, I believe, are also a matter of life and death."

"There Will Be No Miracles Here"

   
     Casey Gerald in his memoir "There Will Be No Miracles Here," describes his life from boyhood to manhood, born in Dallas, Texas in 1987 to an often absent white mother and a former black football star.  His difficult family life, his experiences as a high school football player, and further success as a scholar, leader and football player at Yale help form the man who would continue to Harvard, Wall Street, and the political scene in Washington, D.C.
     Gerald shows how his grandmothers, sister, friends, coaches, and mentors helped him toward his goals.  He also helps others  to improve their lives.  Whether you are very different from Casey Gerald or in some fashion similar to him, his memoir provides an understanding of a black, gay male whose success does not come from miracles but from hard work and determination.
     

"A Place For Us"

   
     In Fatima Farheen Mirza's "A Place For Us," a young husband and wife born and raised in India move to America and have two daughters and a son.  Along with the typical challenges of most families, they also try to keep the culture, traditions, and behavioral norms associated with being Muslim.  They often experience the difficulties of assimilation and being a minority of a different race and religion.
     The children "were told not to question the way God worked, not to think too much into it.  That it was a mystery."  The daughters were taught: "Modesty - the highest value a woman can embody, and the most crucial.  Without it, a woman is nothing."  "It is up to the girls to do what they can to protect the boys from sin."  As the eldest daughter Hadia begins to grow up, "She knows her father.  His pride, his values, his adherence to religious rules.  They are more important than love."   She "became  more aware of her choices, of what was important for her to keep and what had just been an inherited, unexamined habit."
     The son Amar "detests, most of all, the importance placed on maintaining a sense of decorum that feels stifling, false."  He realizes "his sisters never experience the doubts he was feeling, that they never shake in the certainty of being Muslim."
     The father Rafiq believed, "I had laid the foundation of our family on the principles of our faith and our customs.  I had set standards for what we expect of each of you."  Later in life, he realized, "Anger was my worst attribute."  "I have no duty toward them except loving them."
     Most parents of every religion try to instill their values upon their children, but their insistence upon their way can cause many problems.  Some children will continue in the ways of their parents perhaps with small alterations.  Other children will adopt their own way.  If parents have a home that does not allow their offspring to blossom into their own adulthood, they may rebel in unhealthy ways or leave home altogether.  Accept the idea that as your children mature, they have a right to choose for themselves.  Create a comfortable, loving place for your family.
     

   

This Time Of Year

   
     This time of year, the days leading up to Christmas, reveal our values.  Happiness is at the top of the list.  A child's happiness revolves around getting new playthings, and therefore a parent's happiness revolves around presenting these gifts.  We exchange gifts with family and friends. Maturity provides the value of better to give than receive.
     Recreating traditions is valued by many.  Thinking about events in our childhood plus the activities of earlier generations keeps memories alive and adds to family history.   When we are long gone, we want our children and grandchildren to fondly remember us.  Traditions can serve these purposes.
     Another value is spending family time together.  Our school vacations are scheduled to allow for travel and visits.  Many families live miles away from each other, so Christmas becomes a time for reunion.  Wintertime, however, is not the best time to travel because of possible weather  conditions.
     This time of year, we want to lift up our spirits and the spirits of others.  Many people literally light up their lives from decorations in the front yard to their Christmas trees inside.  Our cities even light up the streets with holiday motifs.  Malls and shops use decor and music to motivate their customers.  Many people get into the Christmas spirit by reinforcing their religious beliefs, attending annual parties, and participating in and viewing holiday performances.
     The last thing anyone wants to do is detract from the way people celebrate this time of year, but as we enjoy the season, perhaps we need to broaden our perspective.  For whatever reasons, many people are not happy during this time even when they try to go through the motions. Thousands of people around the world are trying to survive the hardships of war or the horrible political situations of their countries.  Their only happiness may be to obtain shelter, food, and medical care.  In our own country, many  people are homeless, have no meaningful family ties or adequate finances.  Some parents have more children than they can afford.  Many people are suffering from physical, mental, and emotional problems.  Some people do not share the religion that prevails in the US, and December 25 is just another day.
   As we live in our little corner of the world, within our own family and culture, as we expend so much  time, energy, and money on our holidays,  we may need to think about what we are doing and why we are doing it.  After all, no matter how well we multitask, our resources have limits.   Decisions need to made according to what is essential and what is not.
     Enjoy the happiness and family time of the holidays.  Create happiness for yourselves and others everyday of the year.

Repurpose

     Repurpose, transform, and reuse your possessions and your lives because the value is still there.  Since my grandchildren were young, my spare bedroom has been a toy room with a bed for overnight stays plus playthings for the kids: Legos, puzzles, baby dolls and Barbies with clothes made by grandma.  All the grandchildren are now teenagers, so time to repurpose the space back to a guest bedroom.  The task at hand was to go through the toys, keep a few items, take the good stuff to Goodwill, and get rid of the rest.
     We all need to repurpose that which is still valuable but needs updating.  Some of our possessions still serve the original purpose, some may be kept for sentimental reasons, others need to be transformed.  Often we need to repurpose ourselves from career to retirement, from parent to grandparent, from grandparent to friend.  I used to read and sing to my young grandchildren.  Now they teach me the finer points of technology, appreciating football on TV, and dancing The Floss.  We relate now more as friends with good conversations and fun.
     The guest room seems a little empty now, but I hope that the playthings from this former toy room will brighten the lives of other children this Christmas.